Movies That Settle Re-Post: The Phantom Menace

With two Episodes of Obi-Wan Kenobi now streaming, I thought it would be fun to revisit Ewan McGregor's first turn as the character

In anticipation of Obi-Wan Kenobi coming to Disney+, I went back to read a post from mattdursin.com about The Phantom Menace, the first Star Wars movie we had seen in 16 years, and probably the one with the highest expectations. I thought it was a fun post, so I’m going to paste it below. First, however, a few notes:

This was written in 2015, a few days before The Force Awakens was released in theaters. A simpler time, really. Only six Star Wars movies to worry about. But also because of a few problematic things, I did some editing. I doubt anyone will notice, but I am glad they’re gone. I was a little insensitive then. Apologies.

Anyway, it is interesting to me how expectations alter the movie-watching experience, and so I was a little nervous about Force Awakens because I had been burned so badly by Phantom Menace, and now, before I watched Obi-Wan Kenobi, I felt very similar. Would they dare do this to me again? But to know where I’m coming from, here are my thought on Phantom Menace as of December 2015.

BUT FIRST…

This is a thing I see people do on Substack a lot, but I figured it was only for more important (or famous) people. Now I realize that no one is important, not even famous people. We all watch and do the same mundane stuff. So here goes:

“What should we watch?” - This is the question I ask my wife almost every night we eat dinner at home. It is literally the most difficult decision we have to make all day. Here’s what we have been deciding lately:

(It should be noted that we are not “Wait until the season is over and binge the whole thing” people. Maybe it’s a generational thing, but watching more than a couple episodes of any show at a time gets a little tedious to me. Some things need to settle.)

• Barry - Far and away my favorite show going on right now, starring and co-created by one of my favorite performers, Bill Hader. I can’t remember a show that was so funny and so dark at the same time. It’s like Six Feet Under and Seinfeld all in one show (Not just an flippant analogy: Hader’s creative partner on Barry, Alec Berg, worked on Seinfeld for four years, and was on staff at Curb Your Enthusiasm for six.) I am really happy that the days of a show being pigeon-holed as one thing are long over, and this is the proof.

• Better Call Saul - Sadly, this is the show’s final season, but also, possibly for the best. I have loved this show for its entire run, but there are times this season where I have felt that Saul Goodman has taken a backseat to some of the other characters. There have been a couple episodes where the “slow burn” has become almost painfully slow. Maybe it’s the fact that there aren’t too many episodes left, and they are going to have to get rid of Kim somehow that is making me impatient, but I have basically been waiting to see how they are going to pull off that magic trick since episode 1. So cut me some slack. Still one of my all-time favorite shows.

• Temptation Island - Oh, man… As I write this, the last episode of the season is airing tonight. I fully realize that it is a dumb show, but everyone needs a guilty pleasure. And because I’m me, I’m going to overanalyze it a bit. Feel free to skip ahead to the Reading Material section if you don’t need my thoughts on this goofy show. 

 If you don’t know how the show works, four couples (always heterosexual) are brought to an island and are separated by gender, and they are “forced” to live with 20 mostly beautiful single people. The singles are supposedly looking for love, and so the coupled up folks ask them out on “dates” and have tons of wild parties and drink a lot of booze, so basically all inhibitions are cast aside, and we get to see which couples, if any, are left standing at the end. 

On this season, there was a couple, Gillian and Edgar, who stymied me a little. They were basically right out of college, and had only dated each other, although we learn through the course of the season that Edgar had strayed. While they were separated in their respective villas, Gillian appeared to fall for a guy named Tommy. Since the show-runners show clips of what their partners are doing, Edgar saw Gillian doing some things he didn’t like. Obviously, they can’t “show” anything, but Gillian was clearly taking a shower with Tommy, and it looked like some oral sex took place, at least. There was also a clip of Gillian telling someone that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue to wear the “promise ring” that Edgar gave her (Do people still do that, anyway?). That supposedly set Edgar off, but it was most likely the shower scene. He then started cavorting and slept with one of the girls, and in the clip that Gillian saw, there was no denying that sex had taken place. Now, some couples do have set rules of what they will and won’t allow on the island, but that was clearly a violation of them. Interestingly enough, Gillian seemed to be going for some revenge sex with Tommy, but he was suddenly uninterested. I believe in the history of the show, this is the first time a single refused to get together with a coupled person, leading me to believe that he was probably just there to be on TV.

In the denouement to this saga, Edgar and Gillian were face to face for the first time in weeks. Gillian claimed to not have slept with Tommy, trying to take the high ground because Edgar clearly slept with someone, but I think even she knew that was a  ridiculous claim. In a bit that I actually really liked, Edgar said that she had hurt him in many ways; by hooking up with Tommy, by saying that she didn’t know if she wanted to wear his ring, and even by bringing them there in the first place. That, I believe, is also a first. 

Edgar and Gillian agreed to go their separate ways, and Gillian said that he could hug her if he wanted. They hugged, and then Edgar asked if he could kiss her on the forehead, to which she definitively replied, “No. Sorry.” High ground taken.

I can’t wait until tonight! 

(UPDATE: I watched the TI Reunion show, and I won’t get too into it here, but let me just say, poor Edgar. What they put on the show itself was obviously edited to tell a different narrative, because Gillian sat next to him and verbally beat him like a dog. I never really liked him that much, buuuuuut… oof.)

Reading Material: As I have for the last several years, I told myself I would read more books in 2022. But not just any books. Nay, the goal was to read books that I already own but haven’t actually read. In some cases, I have been carrying these books around for years, always meaning to read them but never really accomplishing that goal. To wit:

• Long Way Down by Nick Hornby - I’ve been a Hornby fan since About a Boy. This one is about 4 people who meet one New Year’s Eve on a roof, where they were all planning to commit suicide. I’m a little surprised by the lack of music references so far, but it’s still very fun.

• The Ghost in You by Ed Brubaker & Sean Phillips - I technically haven’t started this one, but these two have never disappointed me, and they have created a lot of stuff, so I’m pretty excited to start.

Various Other Stuff: If you’re still here, I’ve done a lot of podcasts, a few comics, and I have a Teepublic store, so check all that out, and then, on to the ramblings…

Movies That Settle Re-Post: The Phantom Menace

Last night, I put in the DVD of Return of the Jedi, and I was immediately awash with feelings of nostalgia for the first time I saw that movie in theaters back in 1983. My whole family went, and it was a packed house, and what I remember most (I was only 7) was how cool it was when the whole audience erupted in applause when the title screen appeared the music of John Williams filled their ears. It was probably my first time experiencing one of those shared moments like that. I imagine it will be a similar feeling in about a week, when The Force Awakens plays to a hungry audience. (**2022 Update: It wasn't**)

Then, harsh reality struck; I've had a feeling like this before. Strangely similar, in fact. Actually, almost exactly the same amount of anticipation I am experiencing now came over me in 1999, when everyone I knew was talking about the first new Star Wars movie since Return of the Jedi: The Phantom Menace. Yes, perhaps the worst settling movie of all time.

Over the ensuing sixteen years, I've heard a lot of differing opinions of this movie, as well as its two sequel-prequels. I’ve known people who are so mad that they say that they don’t even exist, or that George Lucas raped their childhood.  Those are one extreme, obviously, because I’ve also come across people who think that they were okay, and if you take the entire story (all six of them) as a whole, it’s an epic hero’s journey. And when I saw The Phantom Menace re-release in 3-D a few years ago, my fellow theater-goers applauded at the end.  Perhaps because it was over, but it was still applause.

In some circles, the Star Wars prequels probably evoke more emotion than any film series in history.  People certainly talk about them, positively or negatively, more than any saga in my life (maybe even the original Star Wars trilogy.)  But what really was going on there?  Certainly because of how beloved the original trilogy is, the new trilogy had an uphill climb anyway, but not only did they not live up to the expectations, the prequel trilogy rolled down the hill and crashed.  But why?  And more importantly, how?  Everyone clearly has their own opinions, but I think enough time has passed now, and with three new films on the way, the first of which will be here in a matter of days, that it’s time to cut open the body and examine the cause of death. And thus, I give you the Biggest Burrito Movie of them all: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.

Basically, The Phantom Menace runs off the rails two sentences into the opening crawl.  The Trade Federation?  The planet Naboo?  Who the Hell cares?  After a few minutes, we see our heroes, the Jedi Knights, one of them being young Obi-Wan Kenobi, whom Star Wars geeks should actually be happy to see.  There is a mention by the cowardly villains that the Jedi are bad news, although we don’t really know what great fighters they are yet.  They attempt to rub the Jedi out, but obviously fail (To think, all the needless suffering could have ended right then.) Obi-Wan and his Jedi mentor, Qui-Gon Jinn, flee the evil frog guy’s ship and retreat to the planet Naboo below, which is apparently a planet we are supposed to care about because this Trade Federation is somehow repressing them.  Things go from bad to annoying as the Jedi soon encounter and mysteriously befriend Jar-Jar Binks, one of the most reviled characters in over a century of cinema.  Jar-Jar takes them to his subterranean hometown of Gungan City, and they meet his king, Boss Nass, who basically sounds like Big Bird on smack.  None of this seems to have real purpose except to be an elaborate introduction of Boss Nass, a character that we see three times in the whole saga.

I'm going to break from the riveting plot synopsis to talk a little about Jar Jar Binks. Seriously, is there a more polarizing character in all of history? Love him or hate him (I hate him, but I suppose someone must love him), he represents all that is wrong with the prequel trilogy: he is clumsy, he blathers on-and-on about nothing, and even though he is seemingly pointless, it all works out for him in the end.

But, as I said, he is polarizing. Some people think he's harmless, and some others (including this Reddit user) who think that he is actually a Sith Lord who is pulling all the strings behind-the-scenes, and that Lucas' master plan all along was for him to be revealed as the big baddie, until everyone simply hated him and never wanted to see him again, so George shoe-horned Count Dooku in. While the Jar Jar Theory couldn't have been much worse than what they actually did, I'm glad they didn't go that route. There was really no need to give Jar Jar any more screen time. And fear not, Jar Jar-haters. J.J. Abrams has heard your plea, and he has stated that the reviled character will not be appearing in The Force Awakens. So who cares if he was a Sith Lord or not?

As is the theme with the entire film, nothing of note happens and Jar-Jar and his Jedi companions head back to the surface to rescue the Queen of Naboo, Amidala, whom we were told was a good person in need of rescue earlier in the movie, but we never saw any evidence of wrong-doing, so who knows?  They actually very easily rescue her, and decide to take her to the planet Coruscant, where she can stand before the Imperial Senate and ask them to tell the evil froggy bad guys to basically stop being evil. Based on what we’ve seen so far, the two Jedi were probably enough to whip the bad guys and their stupid droids all by themselves, but we have a lot of time to fill here.

Long hours seem to pass, and the end result is that our heroes are attacked and must land on Tatooine, the future home of Luke Skywalker, to repair their ship. Qui-Gon then makes a twisted deal with a flying rodent named Watto for some spare parts.  The deal involves Watto’s slave boy, Anakin Skywalker (the future Darth Vader), whom Qui-Gon has deduced is The Chosen One, and will become the greatest Jedi ever. Anakin, despite being a toddler, is somehow a great pilot, so he is tasked with winning the ship parts in what amounts to a really long NASCAR race, complete with incredibly annoying Chris Berman-like commentators. The similarities are so rich, they should have just gotten him to do the voices.

As part of Qui-Gon's compulsive gambling, Anakin wins the race, the parts, and his freedom, and is convinced to leave his mother to go with these virtual strangers to Coruscant to learn the ways of The Force.  He says good-bye to Mom and all the other slaves (who Qui-Gon decided weren’t worth the effort. I guess Anakin literally is The Chosen One), gets on the ship and is off to meet his destiny.  He begins to form a bond with Padme, who is apparently the Queen’s hand-maiden, although anyone familiar with the casting of the movie knew right away that it was all a big farce and that Padme is in fact the Queen, since we were all told that Natalie Portman was playing a Queen. There are apparently whole websites devoted to fans theorizing when it was Portman and when it was Keira Knightley and I guess Rose Byrne. Personally, I’m not worrying about it (or even linking it. Sorry.)

When they reach Coruscant,” the Queen” pleads her case, although nothing seems to come of it (again.) Meanwhile, Qui-Gon asks the Jedi Council if he can train Anakin, but they don't believe he's anything special, so Qui-Gon reckons he'll do it anyway. So nothing comes from that meeting, either.

Amidala then decides, although she’s not really the Queen (or is she?), that she must return to her repressed home planet and save it from the evil frogs.  The Jedi are instructed by their bosses to return with her to keep her safe, and they decide to bring the decidedly-unspecial Anakin with them. So basically, the same poor assholes that just flew across the galaxy and sat around on a desert planet forever in order to get to Corusant have accomplished nothing and now have to turn around and go back to fight a battle that they probably could have won before they left and spared us a whole lot of talking. And wipes.

The Battle for Naboo is actually the best part of the movie, although two-thirds of it is not very good.  The battle unfolds on three stages, with some Naboo pilots waging war in space, trying to knock out the droid ship, which is no Star Destroyer, let me tell you. This battle isn't very good because we don't know who any of these pilots are.  In the second battle, we see Jar Jar Binks, suddenly a general, leading his fishy friends into combat against said droids.  This is also not very good because it has Jar Jar on the screen, and I would rather gouge out my eyeballs with a light saber than watch him fumble around on a battlefield, and yet somehow still take out several droids.

The third part of the battle sees Qui Gon and Obi-Wan battle Darth Maul in probably the best light saber duel ever seen.  It is something to marvel, and it would probably be remembered more fondly if there wasn’t two hours of crap before it.  Ray Park as Darth Maul almost single-handedly saved the whole movie, and he was on the screen for all of five minutes and didn’t even have any real dialogue. His voice was dubbed over, and even that was only three lines. And remember what I said earlier about Boss Nass having all that time? Couldn’t we have cut a few chunks and given them to Darth Maul?

Still, for the brief period he’s on screen, Maul flips around, his double-sided light saber flashing like crazy, kicking the hell out of Obi-Wan and then killing Qui-Gon right in front of his helpless pupil, prompting the requisite Star Wars cry of “Nnnnnooooooo!!!!” It’s just too bad that there was no build-up to this duel, no prior meeting between Maul and Kenobi, and no reason to believe why this guy was a bad guy other than he wears a black cape.

Meanwhile, little Anakin manages to get into the space battle, flies his ship into the hangar of the droid ship (the same one that about 20 Naboo fighters have been trying to destroy) and ACCIDENTALLY fires his torpedoes into the hangar wall, naturally starting a chain reaction that destroys the whole ship, thus rendering all the battle droids inert (in typical sci-fi cop-out fashion) and simultaneously ensuring victory for the Gungans, as well.  I could have almost bought all that as simple feel-good cheese, if Anakin didn’t actually say “Oooops” after he fired the torpedoes.  Somehow, even though he was made aware of the entire mission, the fact that he made it into the main bad guys’ ship and didn’t actually mean to blow it up made the whole thing even worse.

In the aftermath, Obi-Wan, having cut Maul in two but somehow not killing him, swears to his dying master to train Anakin in the ways of The Force. Then, the soon-to-be Emperor takes his place as Chancellor of the Senate, although I'm not sure if we're supposed to know that, and Naboo is, well, about as irrelevant as it was at the beginning. We do learn, however, that even though Obi-Wan destroyed one Sith-Lord, that “always two there are.” Sith Lords are like these movies: one isn't bad enough.

Unfortunately, like Anakin himself, this one bad movie started the whole series down the path to the Dark Side. The problems with this movie are many, and as I stated earlier, they start right at the opening crawl. “Crawl” is also an appropriate term for the movie’s pace, as it is basically a lot of people talking between wipes. Seriously, it’s like a child’s Powerpoint presentation. The few scenes that don’t involve a nice, long chat are imbued with childish Lucas tropes, like the young hero-in-training following the lead of the wise, old master who can act circles around him.

But even with all that, my main problem is that it could have been a lot better, and if George wanted to make it different than the original trilogy, he could have easily done that and accomplish all his story goals. He could have had Darth Maul do bad things, like hurt the people of Naboo, instead of just saying that they were being hurt. He could have had the Jedi do good things, like, free slaves. Last I checked, slavery was not cool, but when presented with the option, Qui-Gon Jinn clearly states, “I did not come here to free slaves.” Wha-huh? What kind of hero is he, anyway? Why let a planet full of slaves stay enslaved, but take one stupid kid with you? Basically, when your main character doesn’t want to free slaves, your main heroine keeps putting her lookalike hand-maidens in danger, and the child who is supposed to be the future savior of the universe is an annoying brat who wins battles by accident, it’s kind of hard not to root for Darth Maul in this one. Well, I guess those three minutes or so were worth it, right?

As I said at the beginning, however, I was really, really looking forward to this movie when it came out, similar to how I feel now about The Force Awakens, and that scares me a little, but it would be tough for it to be as bad as Phantom Menace.  While I think that anticipation made me gloss over a lot of these faults at the time, there were certainly plenty of them. That is probably why it settled so badly. It was a long way down.